Early this November, California is taking out my personal enemy #1: moths. Why do I hate moths, you ask? Because they scare me poopless. Now, I have a lot of fear-heights, ugly babies, vegan "meat" products, Pope Benedict-the list goes on, but moths are by far the worst. Moths are the demented bastard cousins of butterflies. They may not directly harm me, but they sure can fuck a sweater up, and who doesn't love sweaters? What have sweaters ever done to deserve that kind of abuse? But I digress. These vicious creatures have got to go, and the state is finally figuring that out.
      According to the Santa Cruz Sentinel, California has mandated wiping out moths, in particular the Light Brown Apple Moths (LBAMs), from Santa Cruz County. Of course, the reason for this eradication is not due to the phobia of moths that I and a few other people suffer from. These LBAMs have the capability of slaughtering California's sacred crops and costing the state big bucks, which is bad news bears.
that kind of abuse? But I digress. These vicious creatures have got to go, and the state is finally figuring that out.
     The solution: chemical showers. Like Agent Orange to Vietnam, like Zyklon B to the Jews-a biochemical spray called "Check Mate LBAM-F" will eliminate these enemy creatures. I'm guessing that "Check Mate" refers to the moths' impending doom and "LBAM-F" stands for "LOLarious Bad-Ass Moth Fucker-upper." Or it could just stand for "Light Brown Apple Moth" and something F related-if you're willing to settle for a title with less pizzazz.
that kind of abuse? But I digress. These vicious creatures have got to go, and the state is finally figuring that out.
     As reported by Tom Ragan in a recent article by the Santa Cruz Sentinel, the Santa Cruz City Council has voted to try to stop the moth spraying, considering that "nobody, not even scientists, can definitively say what kind of long-term effects the pesticideÉwill have on humans." Now, now, people, LBAM-F is not a pesticide in the traditional sense. This biochemical is a simulation of female moth pheromones, which play a key role in the moth's mating. It doesn't actually kill the moths, so how could it possibly harm us?
that kind of abuse? But I digress. These vicious creatures have got to go, and the state is finally figuring that out.
     Ragan references Steve Lyle in his articles on the moth spraying. Lyle is a spokesman with the Department of Food and Agriculture, so you know we can consider him an unbiased source on this issue. Lyle explains that LBAM-F "doesn't even hurt the moths. It just confuses them to the point where analysis causes paralysis and they don't know where to fly or how to find the real female moths." Basically, LBAM-F will cause the biggest case of sexual frustration moth-kind has ever known. Lyle also states "this is the safest eradication program ever to be carried out in the history of California." The safest eradication program ever? Sounds pretty harmless to me! Suterra™, the manufacturer of LBAM-F, says that the "long-term studies on the active ingredients have not been done, however, no adverse effects [are] expected." See! Geez Louise, people-have some faith in corporate America! After all, Suterra™ is "the leader in biorational pest control products, naturally," and we all know that everything natural can't possibly be bad for us. I know all you activist-types have used that excuse to justify your grass-smoking and shroom-eating, so don't even try to object.that kind of abuse? But I digress. These vicious creatures have got to go, and the state is finally figuring that out.
     According to Ragan, opponents of LBAM-F also criticize Suterra™ for refusing to "disclose the ingredients of the synthetic pheromone on the basis that it's a trade secret." Now that is simply ridonkulous. I bet the same people bothered by not knowing what's in the synthetic pheromone scarf down Bush's Baked Beans without knowing what the secret family recipe is (unless that dog, Duke, finally leaked it). If objecting to the biochemicals, but eating beans is not hypocrisy, I don't know what is.
     LBAM-F spraying has already begun in Monterey County. The process was going fine until some whiners protested the situation. The San Francisco Chronicle reported "dozens of residents complained they felt nauseous, couldn't breathe and experienced shooting stomach pains." You're going to have to do better than tummy aches and tight lungs, Monterey. I tried (unsuccessfully) to use those same excuses to stay home from grade school, so there's no way I'll fall for those lies from you. Get back to me if you ever develop more tangible afflictions, like tumors or eczema-that's what Mother always told me. Nevertheless, Judge Robert O'Farrell agreed to humor Monterey residents' request for a restraining order on the moth-spraying-at least until the case's Oct. 18 hearing. Word on whether or not this case will affect plans to spray in Santa Cruz County has yet to reach me.
     In conclusion, I hate moths and I fully support the moth spraying over our dear town. Also, I cannot fathom the idea that this movement is actually considered controversial-it's not like biochemicals have ever had unintended harmful effects before. To show my very defiance of protesters of the spraying, come the night of Nov. 4 (when spraying is scheduled to begin), I will trek to the highest peak in all of Santa Cruz County, face the heavens with mouth open and tongue out, and let the synthetic pheromonal mist fall onto my tongue like precious snowflakes on a fine winter's day.


Sources:
"Judge postpones spraying of moths because of illness." San Francisco Chronicle 12 Oct. 2007: B5.
Ragan, Tom. "State to spray Santa Cruz County in bid to eradicate apple moth." Santa Cruz Sentinel 26 Sep. 2007
---. "City Council votes to try to stop moth spraying." Santa Cruz Sentinel 10 Oct. 2007
Suterra. 19 Nov. 2001. Suterra LLC. 11 Oct. 2007 [http://www.suterra.com/.docs/pg/10094]