Fall Quarter: Freshmen stumble about the dorms, droning professors return to their podiums, naked bodies scamper about on a rainy night, and the call of the wild starts hootin' and hollerin' between your legs. Surely, Fall is incomplete without that meaningless hook-up, mildly attractive friend with benefits, or the search for this year's regrettable beau. But, lets be honest, what are we looking for? Why do we don that low-cut top and head out the door with flask in hand? What do we really want? We want dick. Yes, we've seen them go, we've definitely seen them cum, and being worldly, experienced college women we know what we want and we know what we can barely feel. How do you know what to look for to get exactly what you want? Because ladies, it's not personality, it's personality's wang. I've interviewed a pantheon of my most experienced friends (and believe me, they've seen millions, if not trillions of pee-pees between them) to completely refine this list. Be not afraid my horny, disgusting womenfolk, I've got your back, bitches.

The Mein Kampf: Men don't get pubic hair. Most are nasty and have the last rain forest tucked in their pants. There are men that shave it all (poorly usually, so it gets all splotchy). Then there are the Mein Kampfs. These are the men that just "trim" it, often into odd shapes or designs, much like an odd mustache. Look out for your "artist" types, especially if the start telling you about something they learned in Art 80-A.

The Shar Pei: Have you ever seen an uncircumcised penis up close? My GBF (Gay Best Friend) dutifully pointed out to me years ago the shocking resemblance between this untrimmed tube steak and the chubby wrinkled face of one of America's favorite dogs. These guys perform fine, but the appearance is their detriment - no one wants to get nailed by a baby firehose. These men linger on the "Damn Dirty Activist" side of things, which may make it hard to distinguish them from every other Santa Cruz manboy.

The Chode: The chode is clinically defined as a penis that is wider than it is long: a mere blip on your sexual radar. Now, the word "compensation" comes up in most discussions of microscopic cocks, but chodey men are not examples of this behavior. Most chode packers are introverts - similar to their dicks. They cannot compensate with outgoing attitudes because, if by a random act of god,they manage to score with a lady, they're still stuck with a teeny peeny. Chode men are the reserved hobbits, standing in the corners at parties, nursing their beer like they were a newborn seal. You needn't actively avoid them because they'll steer clear of you out of sheer embarrassment. If you do find your smelly, drunken self all over this party-hermit, just resign yourself to a night of failure and prepare to ask that age old question: "Is it in yet?"

The Shaq: Someone once told me that Shaquille O' Neal's hog was so big that he had to tuck it back and up between his butt cheeks so it wouldn't flail around through one leg of his basketball shorts. This image has both haunted and aroused women for years. Women want to be fucked, not massacred. The way to separate these monsters from men is in their swagger. Due to the giant salami cradling their cornhole, they don't walk as much as they waddle. But, then again, this might be just the guy for you if you've got the Grand Canyon between your thighs.

Jupiter: A penis that has a "great red spot," generally related to acne or STD's, which are both gross. These are the stealth gross wangs. They could be handsome as hell but have more crabs than an aquarium. If he's hitting on you but constantly touches or scratches his willy, chances are he's relieving his spots. Walk away immediately.